If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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