I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
