Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
