He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
