Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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