I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
3pm strippers are depressing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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