So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
me + whiskey = a bad person
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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