nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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