Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
