my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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