A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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