ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize