the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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