I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My penis needs a shock collar
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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