I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
