Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
