I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
