I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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