Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
