if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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