I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
