My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
