Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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