at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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