those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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