Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
