great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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