i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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