I heard we made out
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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