Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
cat food counts as protein by the way
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
