How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
