Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
