Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
