Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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