who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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