shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
