4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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