Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
