I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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