I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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