He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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