my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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