The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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