??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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