Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
