Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
