i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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