Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
