it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
