The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
