Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
