She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We just shotgunned beers for America
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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