I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
