im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
this boner is exhausting
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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