I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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