Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize