I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
