what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
